Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
