im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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