Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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