Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
