Redeem this text for a blowjob
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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