I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
