I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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