Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
