She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
