I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
