This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
