just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hippo gnu deer
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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