Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
