Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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