i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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