it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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