A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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