hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
