Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
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Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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