She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
