well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
