For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
