Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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