Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
