i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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