turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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