he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
