On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
