there's paper in my vomit.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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