Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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