i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
