im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
