I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
