I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
