Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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