My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
