Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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