if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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