highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
