Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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