My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
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I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
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Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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