well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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