Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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