sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
