I have demons in me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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