i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
