He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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