I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
