The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dicks are not precious.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
