Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
