i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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