yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
