I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
