youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
