I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
