Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
