If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
