Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
